Episode 1: Grounds for Disqualification
First of all, what exactly is a Khidashian? Khidashian is my newest alter-ego, given to me by the females I work with. Combine the celebrity crush I have on Kim Kardashian, my seemingly non-stop socialite behavior and my constant embracing of obscure nicknames and it all makes sense. Hell, it’s even on my name tag at my workstation. (Just the wrong amount of right, I tell you.)
By the way, it’s pronounced Shy-Dashian. You know, like the Chi in my name.
Thing about Khidashian however, is that despite my ever growing crush on my namesake, Kim, I’m not that easy. Also, I’m a dude; a straight dude who LOVES females, but absolutely refuses to switch out of dormant and into courtship mode until I am sure that you’re worth the effort.
I know how that sounds, but understand when you’ve had your heart broken as much as I have for abnormal, mind boggling reasons, a security wall is required. In my case, it’s an acid tipped barbed wire fence surrounded by a bubbling moat of hot lava.
Needless to say, my heart is blocked off something serious.
I like to think of myself as one of those 99 percentile guys; one of dying breeds. I used to say there are only 6 good, single dudes left in Vegas and three are gay. Well now there are seven…and yes, there are STILL only three that are gay, still. I’ve been off the market since 2007… it’s halfway through 2011, I’m down 50 pounds, baby crazy and ready to court again, as the Joker once said, “Wait till they get a load of me.”
My dating standards are VERY easy as I’m far from shallow but there are some
qualities liabilities that will get you eliminated from all consideration. Thus, the title of this blog, we’re talking about Khidashian grounds for dating disqualification. (Say that three times fast.)
People who know me know exactly where I’m headed here. Like I said, I’m easy, but I’m BIG on personality.
I enjoy event planning for strangers and friends. I also like planning events to attend with my friends. I even get paid for event planning at times. In fact, I like event planning so much that I tend to separate planning from my life. My life is on a level of organized chaos, and I enjoy it. I don’t think half the time, I just make moves. So if you’re not spontaneous, you have no chance. Probably doesn’t make sense, I know; I’m flexible, but firm.
I’m also a picture gorilla, to the tune of like 400 pics on Facebook. I take pictures for no reason of myself and my loved ones. If you are camera shy, I’m not going to try to get you out of that conscience shell of yours.
Confidence is key. If you don’t believe that you’re beautiful I’m still going to tell you that you are. If you don’t start believing though, I’m going to start thinking that you hate yourself. In that case; a neurotic mess, which in a way can be confused as being crazy. If you are deemed crazy, I’m not even sure we can be friends.
I don’t do jealousy. 4 of my 6 best friends are females and from time to time I will kick it with them on the solo tip. I will never prioritize them above you, but they deserve to be respected especially since they are my go to girls when it comes to dealing with matters I don’t want to beckon you with, especially early in our relationship. Keep in mind they are here to help me, not fuck me. So never let the thought enter your head that I’m being disloyal and you’ll be cool. That said; you’re welcome to have guy friends as well. Same terms apply. They should never be prioritized over our relationship. As long as that stays true and they know their damn role as friends, then everything is copacetic.
Communication is also important. If something I do bothers you, tell me about it!!! I promise I’ll do the same, UNLESS you make yourself unavailable for comment, then you’ll have to decipher a seemingly random Twitter or Facebook status message, followed by that uncomfortable conversation later that starts with, “Are you mad at me?”
Why, OF COURSE I AM. You read my fucking Twitter right? LOL
Those are my main grounds for disqualification on the personality side. Let’s review:
Lack of spontaneity
Lack of confidence
Lack of communication
I’m not a shallow dude, so you have to understand why I don’t have as many physical grounds for disqualification. I think people who judge on physical appearance over personality are assholes, plain and simple. Everybody though has a preference of what they like. Me? I like women big, small, medium sized and any ethnicity.
What I won’t tolerate is a female who isn’t clean. Some people just stink. They can take a shower, and clean every orifice, nook and cranny on their body and still not smell right. If your body KEEPS a certain funk, you can’t keep up with the Khidashian. I’m sorry, but there’s not enough Love Spell in the WORLD to cover up a natural body odor.
I am an absolute stickler when it comes to nails. Nothing against natural and unpainted, but at least make sure they are well kept. The way I judge? If my nails are better than my girl’s there is a problem. On a lighter note, I scare my female friends because they think I’m a nail Nazi when it comes to chipped paint.
Not so. I talk a lot shit about chipped polish, but its all in good fun. That is repairable.
Its the actual quality of said appendage that I am more concerned with. For instance, a bad foot is an immediate disqualification. Crusty feet, rough nails, bunions, corns and shit are are creepy and disgusting.
They kinda make me nauseous to be honest with you. Be right back.
Goodness, gracious. I had to take a shot on that note.
Bottom line on the physical aspects. Like I said, I’m not picky. Keep your body fresh, nails and toes on point and for God’s sake, brush your teeth and we are GOOD!
I promise those are the only liabilities that are absolute disqualifications on the physical tip. Wait… I lied. Remember that statement I made near the beginning about being you know, baby crazy?
Sounds ruthless and slightly evil, but if you can’t have babies or don’t want babies, you’ve already been disqualified. I guess that’s a personality/physical thing, but still… I told you I’d keep it real.
So real, that I’m taking my behind to sleep. Be sure to check back shortly with us as we go in for part two of Keeping Up With the Khidashian. Ever want to know what I actually look for in a mate on the POSITIVE tip? That article is for you.
Love Over Bullshit People…. I am Show’Chi. Good night. 🙂