Episode 14: The Showtorious Disneyland Series (Part 1)

Keeping Up with the Khidashian

Episode 14 or Something: The Showtorious Disneyland Series

The last couple months were certainly eventful. Thanksgiving, Christmas, baby momma drama, fights, wage garnishments, parties, conventions, projects; just a real barrel of monkeys!

                …and now it’s all over. Thank goodness, I say. Welcome back to SANITY. It’s great to be here again. I am Showtorious, also known as the Great Show Khidashian. (Pronounced Shy-Dashian for those just getting started.) Keep up with me, why don’t ya?

Catching up…

Aaliyah (my newborn daughter) will be here in about 4 weeks!  With the exception of my friends throwing me a surprise baby daddy shower *hint hint*, I’m ready for her arrival.

Speaking of baby showers, I was serious about those Southwest gift cards. I need to be able to get down to Arizona on demand, so help a brother out!  Not one to, but ain’t too proud to beg, nah! The things I do to be a good dad.

She has more clothes than I do, by the way. We can thank step mommy Kia for that. I plan on obtaining car seat of some sort in the near future as well as one of those carrying devices so I can strap my child in a front facing backpack situation.

This should be fun.  Before I welcome my Luv a Bull (Yes; that is a Chicago Bulls term) into the world however, I have one more outing for myself before I become FULLY entrenched into fatherhood. Okay, so it’s not really for me BUT I will get out of Vegas for a little bit, which is always cool. We’re taking my future step daughter to Disneyland for her birthday.  

Next year, I’m shooting for a full on family vacation to Disney WORLD; new baby and all. Of course, once you go to Walt Disney World, Disneyland becomes just a little tainted, so I have to prepare myself mentally and financially every year to take my soon to be wife and two kids to Florida without question starting in 2014; a task I really do look forward to.

Are there wedding bells ringing? Yeah, well I DO live in Vegas and we just opened our pop-up wedding chapel here last month. *Smile —  As for me and my future wife; I’m sure of it. When? I don’t know. If I did know however, it would probably be nice to have a ring for her first and you know, propose!!!! When that happens, it will be unexpected, probably to both of us. What you can expect is the spectacle to follow in the form of a 300 guest wedding, complete with online stream of the action and an open bar karaoke filled reception complete with ecstasy pills, mushrooms and baby formula. Just kidding… what kind of father/groom do you think I am?

That was one BIG digression; my bad. Onto why you really came…

Sleeping Beauty Castle, in ALL it's glory.

The Showtorious Disneyland Series

Next month I will once again tackle the smaller of the two Mouse owned United States parks, Disneyland. Opened on the same day my mom was born, July 17th, 1955 (Private Opening) Disneyland has become the de facto tourist stop in California. It may not have the most exciting rides or the most economical resort attached to it, but it remains the gold standard in California theme parks because every trip there is indeed MAGICAL!

Like every vacation, it’s always good to have a strategy. Whether it is a driving schedule for road trips, reservations for dinner and special outings, or just plain old fashioned theme park adventures, every trip needs a plan; especially when there is DISNEY theme park involved.  Over the next few weeks, we’re going to examine a few Disneyland related items during which I hope I can be entertaining and informative. Rock with me as we hit on the following topics…

“Disneyland in 8 hours: Can it be done?”  Of course it can be done, but NOT without proper planning. We will get into exactly HOW to clear Disneyland Park in a standard working day in the finale of the series.

Disneyland in 8 Hours?

“How to properly prepare yourself for Disneyland” The topic kind of speaks for itself, doesn’t it? You know me though; I like to go pretty deep.

… and of course today’s subject.  We’re going to talk about a Disney subject that is near and dear to my heart:  “Pesonal Disneyland Checkpoints”

Before I get started, if you NEVER been to Disneyland, this is going to be completely foreign to you. In that respect, your personal checkpoint should be to clear the entire park. It’s also why I chose to start with my checkpoint system before going into how to clear the park in 8 hours because honestly, there are attraction omissions from the park in my clearance plan. It would be insulting to Mickey himself if I told you NOT to take in the ENTIRE EXPERIENCE the first time you visit the park.  I will give you first timers a recommendation though… make sure you get a two day park hopper pass. You’re going to need it. Until you conquer the entire park, it’s impossible to appreciate the information I’m going to share with you tonight. For those who have been to the original Magical Kingdom though; you’re going to FEEL ME as you read.

Every person’s checkpoints are different; I have to make that perfectly clear. I’m going to share with you my must sees and must haves for when I visit Disneyland; not that you’ll agree, but hey, it’s my blog so deal with it. I would appreciate comments though, with your personal lists if you have one. Those are always fun to share.

The Showtorious Disneyland Checkpoints are broken into two tiers: Attractions and Food. It’s easy stuff, right? Well, in comparison to my DISNEY WORLD checkpoints, it’s VERY easy.  

I’ve been to Disneyland several times and can maneuver around the park with some of the greatest fluidity ever known to man. So I take pride in the fact that every time I go, I conquer everything on my list. As the park evolves, the list may grow, but since we’re talking “Land”… where it seems like evolution is a long process (why are the Matterhorn Bobsleds ALWAYS out of order when I go?), it’s nice and simple.

 Must See Attractions!!!

Yes, he is my cousin.

Pirates of the Caribbean (Complete with movie tie ins) – If you’ve never been on this ride, you’re missing something. Every time I get on, I see something that I didn’t notice before. That’s how detailed this thing is. The recent addition of my cousin Captain Jack and the movie crew was MARVEOLUS, by the way. I recommend this ride early as the lines get CRAZY for it. If you’re riding with some liquor in your system consider it a bonus. (Yes, it’s okay to be halfway drunk at Disneyland.)

The Haunted Mansion (Even better during the holiday season) There’s nothing really scary about it, but it’s one of the old school rides and the lines are probably the fastest in the park considering the fluent motion of it. It’s constantly going and it takes several dozens of people in at one time as opposed to just a few.  If you come after thanksgiving, you’re in for a real treat as it undertakes a Nightmare Before Christmas theme. How can you NOT love that?

Buzz Lightyear’s Astro Blasters –I like shooting shit. Don’t judge me.

A picture with Princess Jasmine– No, it’s not a ride, but she should be. I’m sorry; Princess Jasmine can get it; simple as that. The girl who played her last time I was there didn’t even particularly look as good as the cartoon, but she can get it too. As the first Disney Princess of color, something about her light brown skin and pretty face just makes me say, damn! (Just don’t tell my baby Kia.)

Come on now... you wouldn't hit?

The Enchanted Tiki Room (Under original management –*Chuckle, chuckle.* Inside Joke between me and people who have actually gone to the Magic Kingdom of Disney World.) Singing birds and Tiki statues… need I say more????

Big Thunder Mountain Railroad – Yeah, there’s a line through it. The last time I went it turned out that ride isn’t built for folks over say… 5’10. Needless to say, my knees were SHOT after riding that ride. I have issues with Space Mountain and Magic Kingdom’s version of Splash Mountain for the same reasons. Strangely, I fit fine inside of Gadget’s Go Coaster in Toon Town, which I have no business riding at my age.

Food, the glorious food!!!

"I don't like food; I LOVE it. If I don't LOVE it, I don't swallow."

Random Ass Dill Pickle (Farmer’s Market -Main Street, USA or Adventureland) – Forgive me on the location information. I may be experiencing a blur situation. I’m pretty sure there may be a marketplace in BOTH locations, but all I know is that I have to get a dill pickle from there. This goes way back to 6th grade and my incessant pickle eating. I blame the Ruby Thomas student store for spoiling me with these delights. I know it has NOTHING to do with Disney, but when I was indeed in 6th grade and we visited the park back then, I made it a point to get one of these. There’s nothing particularly special about the pickle but as a childhood staple, I just can’t let it go; thus the checkpoint addition.

The LEGENDARY Roasted Turkey Leg (Food Kiosk – Frontierland, New Orleans Square) –I don’t know what they do to them; I don’t know how to explain them, but they are like CRACK. From the irresistible smoky smell to the grease that drips down your arm and into your hoodie sleeve, top to bottom it is in my opinion THE single best food in the entire park. I need to get one every time I go in and I have to fight myself not to get a second one on the way out. I’ve tried for years to duplicate this leg at home to no avail, and I consider myself a pretty damn good chef, so you have to understand my infatuation with this culinary elusive piece of meat.

It's deeper than snacks.

Dole Pineapple Whip (The Tiki Juice Bar, Adventureland) – I’m lactose intolerant. I have no business messing with Dole Pineapple Whip, but I do. Like the turkey leg, this stuff must be laced with crack. I know you can make alternatives and in some cases, BUY it some from certain stores, but it’s not the same as grabbing one of these bad boys and enjoying it, in my case during the Enchanted Tiki Room show. In fact, I’d go as far as to call these the Enchanted Dole Pineapple Whip, because it is truly a magical experience eating one. Again, I can’t explain it; it just is.  It’s a risky affair when it comes to my digestion, but hey, its ADVENTURELAND… why not be adventurous with eating?

Like I said, everyone will have their own checkpoint system. In my case, my trip to Disneyland isn’t complete until I get all of these items and see all of these attractions with no omissions. Next week (or later this week) I’m going IN on the Disneyland Park. It’s going to be intense, but by the time I finish with you, getting through the property in 8 hours will be a feasible goal!

Until then my friends… I am Showtorious.


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