Episode 14.2: “Disneyland in 8 Hours”

Keeping Up With the Khidashian — Episode 14.2

The Showtorious Disneyland Series “Disneyland in 8 Hours.”

Let the MAGIC begin!

The task of completely clearing Disneyland in a day is a daunting task in its own right. Clearing the park in 8 hours is even more difficult, but not impossible.  

The day of the week and the season is key to making this a realistic goal. For instance, choosing a day like Tuesday during the traditional nine month school year is going to be better than any given weekend or a summer vacation day. That said, I recommend that Tuesday option in September or October. Not only are the crowds reduced from kids going back to school, but the weather in Anaheim is traditionally nice at that time of year.

I consider myself an advanced Disney patron; I may not go every other weekend but from the times I have been and being the logistical tyrant that I am known to be, I’m confident my take is a great way to enjoy the park fully minus all the stuff you really don’t NEED to see.

Seriously, did you really think clearing the entire park in 8 hours is possible including all rides and attractions? Trust, unless you have Jay Z money and can afford to privatize the entire park for your arrival, it’s not going down. If you know anyone who is capable of doing it, let me know because I would like the shake his/her hand.

Disclaimer: This is impossible to do with kids, so don’t try it. Kids deserve the full experience every time you come to anything Disney. This is for adults who want to enjoy without all the actual kiddy nonsense; i.e. grown ass Disney deviants, like myself. Disclaimer 2: This works for me and is based on my likes. If you don’t agree, its all good. Comment away, then develop your own bloddy plan. LOL

To recap, my last entry talked about my must see attractions and treats that I have to experience when I make a Disneyland trip. Today I will incorporate those into my 8 hour plan as they are indeed priorities as well as add a few others that I was too lazy to write about on the last blog.  As a matter of fact, I’m actually too lazy to break them down in this blog either. So when drop an ‘epic’ or ‘classic’ bomb, just add those to last week’s list. 🙂 I will mention the eats though. We all like food.

Can you taste the nuttiness?

Case in point: According to my lady, Disneyland Churros are the best. They will be added to the must have list by her orders.  My bro Mike also chirped in with a recommendation for the corn dogs. I plan on making that happen as well. Perhaps the corn dog will be what gets me off the dill pickles. As I mentioned last time, there’s really nothing special about them; especially considering they are a crazy $3.50something a pop.

Requirements for Disneyland in 8 hours:

2 for $5! Or, if you wait... $1 each!

Comfortable Shoes/Change of Shoes – Sometime during the day, I always exchange my sneakers for flip flops, then back to sneakers before the end of the day. It keeps your feet energized by switching the shoe game up and a lot less smelly. In my case, I choose to change at the end of the trip because $2.50 Old Navy flip flops aren’t that dam comfortable to wear for more than say, an hour or two!

Water bottle filled with an adult elixir – You’re an adult now. You can ride rides with a buzz; in fact I HAVE to ride Pirates of the Caribbean with a buzz at least once per visit now. If you do not drink, doping yourself with 5 hour energy shots and Red Bulls are a good substitute.

Updated map of the property, complete with seasonal and repair related closures.

Not to be cliché with my blog title, but keep up with me. I’ll try to answer questions along the way. For those grown ass people who actually like Fantasyland, please accept my apologies in advance because you’re not going to like my coverage of the area.

I know you’re all just ecstatic about this one… I know Jafar is!

The early bird gets the worm when it comes to Disneyland. Before the gates open, make sure your tickets are in hand and your replacement shoes are in your locker. At 8am, hardcore patrons are the only ones rushing to the good stuff to beat the lines.  This is your time. Don’t wait for the Main Street USA train, walk briskly to New Orleans Square and hit Pirates of the Caribbean first! As noted before, the lines during the middle of the day are CRAZY, but consider an early Pirates trip as a notch in the hardcore belt, as it basically eliminates the half of New Orleans Square up front.

After Pirates, bypass the Haunted Mansion for now and head through to Critter Country and try to grab a Fastpass to Splash Mountain, if available. If it’s too early for Fastpass, hop in line and handle this ride as well. Yes, I know it may be a bit cold at 8:30 in Anaheim to be getting wet, but you are hardcore; so stop bitching and take it. That will be your clearance of Critter Country; The Many Adventures of Winnie the Pooh can wait for the family trip.

If Fastpass is available for Splash Mountain this early, grab it and backtrack to New Orleans Square to hit the Haunted Mansion, which will clear this particular area.  Now, the Haunted Mansion is one of the longer rides in terms of duration at the park, so don’t feel bad about spending upwards to 30 minutes here.  The line moves VERY fast for this attraction and unlike Splash Mountain, LARGE groups of people are accommodated into the creepy ass elevators that lead up to a constantly moving ride. When you finish with the Mansion, return to Splash Mountainas based on the math of occupancy, your Fastpass should be due.

Splash Mountain

The cool thing about Critter Country is that it is the gateway to Frontierland if you stay left of New Orleans Square, at this point go get some breakfast; a LEGENDARY turkey leg or corn dog, which can BOTH be found in Frontierland and get to munching for 10-15 minutes as you stroll over to the Big Thunder Mountain Railroad for spell. Just remember to shave the 30 minute wait off by eliminating your Disneyland Railroad trip later in the day; you’ll be walking instead. If you’re too tall for Big Thunder Mountain, like me, enjoy your turkey leg and get the hell out of Frontierland because you just cleared it.

Adventureland is next on our journey, and it starts getting more intense here. The first thing you’ll have to do is hit the Indiana Jones Adventure. The lines on this attraction are going to be crazy, but not incredibly long lasting on an off peak day so handle it first. After Indy, hit the Jungle Cruise which is also a quick line that takes several people at once.  Once you’re set with these two, bypass the Enchanted Tiki Room for now and get back to Main Street, USA.

Main Street, USA is the central corridor to all of the Disneyland Parks. You probably didn’t pay much attention to it in the beginning, as you rushed through it on your way to New Orleans Square. It’s not attraction heavy, but it is heavy on the food items. Here, you can grab that corn dog, the dill pickle and the churro all in one land, so take advantage of those hit points each time you go through. In my case, I’d go for the pickle and keep moving to Tomorrowland.

Here’s where I’m going to get hate mail. I am not a fan of Space Mountain. I used to be, but no longer. I blame Walt Disney World for that. On my second trip to the Florida Magic Kingdom I did extensive research on the place in order to determine the best way to clear ALL of the theme parks out there. During which, I read an odd fact about Space Mountain that turned me off of the ride. You have to understand that after riding the Rock n’ Roller Coaster, which advertises speeds up to 65 MPH to waiting 2 hours in a line to ride a rickety Space Mountain at a whopping 28.7 MPH it kind of taints the experience.  It just felt SO slow after reading that tidbit of information. I will never turn a shorter individual away from riding Space Mountain if they never experienced it before, as it truly is a great ride if your mind is untainted. Since my mind has been corrupted by useless Disneyland facts, however… I can never ride it ever again. Sigh…

Just keep swimming by Space Mountain!

For the hardcore, forgive me for this next command of the blog. Don’t even look at Space Mountain. As a matter of fact, since it’s all the way in the cut, it and its extremely long line (probably with a broken Fastpass device) will be easy to bypass. Your first stop will be the Finding Nemo Submarine Adventure. The line here is usually long, but not bad as far as speed goes.  If you’d like, grab a Fastpass to Autopia before heading to Nemo. Once you finish Nemo, if your Fastpass isn’t due, hop into the Buzz Lightyear’s Astro Blasters line and chill there. The lines are generally fast on this experience as well. If it looks out of hand, check Astro Orbitor’s line. Whichever of the two are shortest, tackle it, then handle Autopia, then handle the line you just bypassed. I’d hate for you to miss out on Autopia. Though it’s a cheesy ride, it’s also a classic that needs to be ridden. Oh, you’re not done with Fastpass yet. Once you finished Autopia, you’re eligible to grab a Fastpass to Star Tours (now in 3D!!!). It’s one of the innovators in the magic motion machine technology and it too needs to be experienced before leaving Disneyland. So please, handle that and while you wait for it partake in Innoventions. It’s a self paced walk through the future. I have no idea if they updated it since the last time, but it was always a good trip. Keep an eye on your time so that you don’t miss Star Tours; a good way to stay in the area after Innoventions is to throw some quarters down on games in Starcade.  Once you’ve cleared Star Tours, Tomorrowland is now Yesterdayland, as you have cleared this segment of the park.

Why, hello to you too Princess!

If you’re doing this right and the lines have been in your favor, you should be about 5 hours deep into your day. Sounds insane, but it’s possible – I’ve done it… After Tomorrowland, the next haul will take place in Fantasyland; or as I call it, the Princess Pot. Here, you may want to start out by stalking Princess Jasmine for that picture with her. If she doesn’t hoist your colors high, then find your favorite Princess and ask her to take a picture with you. Bonus points if you can get a hold of Maleficent or Cruella Deville and get a picture with either. Yeah, they are villains, but they pull their characters off so well!

I'm a bad bitch. Don't eff with me!

If they are open (which they haven’t on the last few trips of mine) hit the Matterhorn Bobsleds first. Another lengthy line here without the Fastpass option, but it’s a must ride attraction. It’s also on the rickety side of things, but its faster and more rollercoaster-esque than Space Mountain… at least in my opinion.  After the Matterhorn, take your pick. Peter Pan’s Flight, Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride, Alice in Wonderland (which needs an update), Snow White’s Scary Adventure or Pinocchio’s Daring Journey… All of these rides are easily interchangeable and nothing particularly memorable about them other than they are in this section for a reason, as they are all small child friendly. After sitting through one of those choices, visit the Mad Tea Party for spinning teacup action. If you’re not cool with being dizzy, the Storybook Land Canal Boats are a relaxing trip to experience. Speaking of the Mad Hatter, stop by his store (also in Fantasyland) for your prerequisite Mickey Hats and such. Since you’ve cleared all the crazy rides, you can actually rock your Mickey hat with pride, as barring wind, there is no danger of it blowing away because your dumb ass just couldn’t wait to grab one when you entered the park.

Sidebar, there’s nothing worse than carrying unnecessary merchandise around the park. Shopping at Disneyland is a must, but you have to do it wisely. Eliminating most rides before you purchase goes a long way. If you can’t wait however, most stores will hold our purchase for pick up later in the day. If you’re on property however, you usually have the option to have your items delivered to your hotel room. On the other hand though, what’s the point of buying Mickey Ears and NOT rocking them while at Disneyland?

If you find yourself 6 hours deep inside of Fantasyland you’re doing well. As a matter of fact, if memory serves me correct, people SHOULD be lining up for the 3pm parade. If this is happening, expect an easier time inside of Fantasyland. Movement wise, you may be able to jump on more of those interchangeable rides we spoke about two paragraphs ago, or keep it moving to Mickey’s Toontown, which is another easy clearance.

You’re an adult. You have no business being in this land as it is, but Roger Rabbit’s Car Toon Spin is worth the trip. Again, the line should be filled with hardcore people who don’t care about the afternoon parade and perhaps even move faster. If the line turns out to be beastly, grab a Fastpass and continue through Toon Town taking as many Facebook pictures with Characters as you can. Or, at the very least go stalk Mickey Mouse in his own HOUSE and get a picture with him. Once you finish stalking, taking pictures, and the Car Toon Spin, head to the Disneyland Railroad and take a loop back New Orleans Square. By this time the parade has broken up and people have usually gone about their Disney business… mosey through New Orleans Square back to Adventureland’s Tiki Juice Bar for a Dole Pineapple Whip!  If your timing is right, you won’t need to wait long for the next Enchanted Tiki Room show!

THAT, my friends, should CLEAR Disneyland Park in 8 hours, from an adult standpoint.  With that clearance however, DON’T LEAVE. You know how expensive it is for Disneyland admission? After the marathon you just ran and weather permits, hit your locker and grab those flip flops for a casual stroll through. A second visit to the Haunted Mansion or Pirates of the Caribbean is always a good thing. The fireworks show is also a beautiful way to close the night out. I can recommend Bengal Barbeque  a good dining experience if you’re hungry. If you’re like me however, there’s nothing wrong with a second or third turkey leg!

Part three is coming sometime next week. I promise that it will be a more casual situation as we look at actually planning your complete family trip. I’ll be including useful facts and non sarcastic tips to making your family trip to Disneyland a successful one.

 I should probably get back to work now. Till next time, I am Showtorious.


One thought on “Episode 14.2: “Disneyland in 8 Hours”

  1. You know I love me some DISNEYLAND!!! This was really good. I too don’t like Space Mountain, but it is a must during Halloween. They have a really cool fire skeleton thingy chasing you during the ride. Also you didn’t give yourself time to see Captain EO. You have to make 19 minutes for Michael Jackson!! I can’t wait to read more.

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