Episode 15: My Daughter, My Light, My Love. Rest in Peace

Keeping Up With the Khidashian

Episode 15: My Daughter, My Light, My Love. Rest in Peace

I cried all day on Saturday. From just before 7am until I went to bed, I was in tears. For just a short time at work and while over Andi and Eddie’s house was I not a mess that day.

That morning, I woke up to horrifying news. My unborn daughter’s mother was involved in a serious accident. My baby passed away. I lied there in bed, shaking as I read the initial messages. Her mom was still hurt and unable to speak at ease; also the thought of her having to be forced to squeeze our child’s body out in a natural birth scenario was stomach turning.

The tears came furiously. I yelled to myself to “Calm the f**k down!” repeatedly, but to no avail. In a matter of moments I was broken. I texted Kia and Eddie then I managed to gather myself to call my mom. She answered, I gave her the news. She maintained her composure and offered words of comfort that only a mother could provide her youngest son in need. We talked about 5 minutes and then she handed the phone to my dad. We talked about 10 minutes or so.  We spoke about faith, prayer and strength. By the time I finished speaking, I regained myself for a few moments. Kia called and I gave her the news and the few details that I had. I broke down again before advising that I would try to go back to sleep a while.

A few hours of tossing and turning later, I found myself unable to get it together. Constantly breaking down through the morning, I tried to hit the gym. Tears flowed down my face as I rode the elliptical with fury. I felt no physical pain or discomfort, only the tightness in my chest as struggled to keep my composure.

When I returned, I cooked a breakfast that was served with a half a bottle of wine.  I drank it fast, yet I could not gain a buzz.

I stopped by my parents’ house before forcing myself to work that night. Again I had chats with my parents but this time I kept it all in. I felt cold and numb to the world. This feeling remained as I made it to work that afternoon. I held it together as I greeted some of my coworkers, then choked up as I spoke to Tialai and shared the news… when I finally made it to my manager, I pulled him to the side and told him the situation, as I knew my work quality would likely be impacted. I had a full scale meltdown. My heart was hurting, my head was throbbing and I felt so incomplete.

I had difficulty speaking to anyone that day on the job. In fact, my conversational levels didn’t take a turn for the better until I saw my nephew Trevor, who really brightened my day. Eddie and Andi have been there for me for years, so when they offered to have me over for dinner I couldn’t turn it down. That night, I cracked my first smile all day. I needed that, as it was the slow beginning of the healing process.

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Since that day, I’ve seen my little girl in all my dreams, newborn style. She had her mother’s cheeks and my eyes and lips. She had good mixed baby hair but baby an attitude that stated wholeheartedly that she was Daddy’s little girl.  

I keep asking myself, why me? Why did my baby have to go? Then I stopped and realized everything I’ve been learning since I returned to the church house. God has a plan for all of us. I can’t question it; for some reason He didn’t want me to meet my daughter physically, but he made it so that she would still be part of my spiritually. She’s here; she’s in my heart and she’ll never go away.

She was the motivation behind me getting my act together financially and spiritually. She was the reason why I took the steps that I had to take. She was the reason why I made the sacrifices that I did.  She is my reason for life. She gave me a reason to live, not to just exist, but to truly live! It’s reflected in my every aspect.

I am motivated professionally. I am in position to truly make moves in life.

Perhaps that was her job all along? To make me the man I always wanted to be. She shortened my fuse a bit to enhance my efforts to extinguish negativity. She gave me the strength to squash the nonsense in life; to eradicate people and things that were negative influences or just flat out unnecessary to my well being.  Aaliyah made me grow up.  Aaliyah made her father a better man; a better future husband for Kia; a church going, professional, family man who now has the ability to finally provide for his future!

She made me truly, extraordinary.

I wrote a while back about when times got tough I wish I had a Matrix that I could open and things would just seem better. Thank you Aaliyah; I owe my newfound healthy existence to you and plan on living my life as a celebration of yours. I dedicate everything to you, daughter of mine. Though I’m saddened by your premature death, I promise to eventually recover and I promise to keep trying to make you proud.

You ARE my Matrix. For without you, I would have never seen the light through my darkest hours. Gone, but never forgotten. I love you. Rest in Peace.

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