I had two of the most rewarding months personally that I’ve had in recent memory. Since October, I’ve become an official part of hospitality management here in Las Vegas, I’ve established my first savings account in years. I even got approved for a small credit card so that I can rebuild what I once destroyed.
What I didn’t do however was lose a lot of weight, which was a total fail on my part. Too many cheat days; not enough discipline. To make matters worse, I got sick in the beginning of November and it just about killed my groove. I’m pretty sure I may have gained 5-10 pounds last month, which is unacceptable. I could blame all the birthday parties, gatherings and meals that I partook in but that’s just excuses. I pride myself on not making those, so I won’t.
My October-December failure lies squarely on my shoulders. I could have said no to the beers. I could have save no to the that fried chicken, that birthday cake. I could have walked by those sweets that they offer so readily at my job’s employee dining room… but I didn’t. I fucked up and it negated all the hard work I do at the gym every week. I’ve been going 4 days lately as opposed to six days. That’s a fail as well.
The first step to recovery is to admit that you have a problem. – Alcoholics Anonymous
My problem may be sweets and portion control. I know better too, that’s the issue. Food addiction is some real shit. I’ve indulged in free and unhealthy foods more than I should. I like to say I live a healthy lifestyle, but the few pounds I lost in September combined with whatever I gained since October, despite still hitting the gym regularly is bullshit.
Healthy choices are worthless if you don’t make them. This morning I had an anxiety attack. It’s been a little bit over a year since I had the one that caused me to wreck my car. I get those when I’m stressed, upset or whenever my financial addiction triggers one. (Yes, I am a financial addict – if you don’t know what a financial addiction is, please look it up.) The strange thing about this morning though, is that though it was likely due to me reacting to a major purchase my girlfriend and I discussed, I was under the belief for a moment that I was going into cardiac arrest.
Frankly, I’ve done way too much good for my body to be falling to a damn heart attack after LOSING 80 pounds.
THANKFULLY it was NOT A HEART ATTACK. Still, it scared me.
I eventually got myself together to the point where I could start my commute to work, but before I left the house this afternoon, I told Amber to finish the bird pie (a delicious cheesecake I made) or get rid of it. My physicals have always checked out okay and I’ve never had any issues regarding my heart. As active as I am, I SHOULDN’T have any issues, however today was a wakeup call that I need to start making even more health conscious decisions.
This afternoon, I took the smallest piece of meat at the EDR during lunch. Instead of regressing to ranch dressing like I had been doing the last three weeks, I switched back to balsamic vinaigrette for my salad. I left off the cheese. I filled a Styrofoam cup up with mixed fruit and didn’t even glance over at the selection of crack-like pastries.
Tomorrow morning, I’m back on my grind.
I will force portion control onto myself.
I will force myself to do what I do best at the gym.
I will force myself not to fall back until the goal is met.
Once you’re an addict you’re always an addict. The best thing you can do is take things day by day. Tomorrow will be my first full day of total unhealthy food sobriety. Though I’ve been on this journey for over a year now, consider tomorrow as DAY 1.