Birthday Sex! I mean GIFTS! (My Favorite Things)

“Raindrops on roses
And whiskers on kittens
Bright copper kettles and warm woolen mittens
Brown paper packages tied up with strings
These are a few of my favorite things**”

Wait, what?

The excerpt above is from a song called My Favorite things. I actually remember singing it at Kindergarten graduation at Seaton Academy WAY back in 1984… or was that 1985? To this day, I’m not sure why we sang that song at K-Grad. I’m also not sure why I remember all of it.

We also sang My Country Tis a Thee, which was an Americanized ripoff of the UK’s God Save The Queen and I’m pretty sure there was a poem recited about a rabbit with an Acetaminophen habit.

I don’t know why Rabbit Ain’t Got No Tylenol. Who gives a shit?

Google search…

Oh shit… It’s Rabbit Ain’t Got No Tail At All!

I’ve been out of kindergarten for 33 fucking years and no one has EVER corrected me on the lyrics. You are all jerks for that. My teacher was a jerk for making us sing that shit too… especially since some of the first things were learned about in elementary English was the that title alone contained a double-negative and ain’t isn’t actually a word.

But I digress.

I turn 38 in a week. I’m getting old, fam.

I don’t remember ALL my childhood shit but I can still recite every word INCLUDING MUSIC to TRANSFORMERS the Movie. Yes, I do have The Touch!! (Which was also one of our wedding songs; we kissed to that song. Music kicked up as she said, you may kiss the bride.)

*A single Enzo tear rolls down my cheek.*


June has been a shitty month but I refuse to have a shitty mood. My Dad wouldn’t want it so here I am, smiling like The Joker to talk about well, me. The actual point of this blog is to discuss how old I am by dating myself with 1980’s references and to tackle a subject that my friends are obviously more passionate about than I am.

Birthday Sex! I mean, GIFTS. Birthday Gifts!

I’ve never been much of a gift man. I always hashtag #Birthdaywishes but in reality I usually buy what I want on my own (or after my wife’s permission). Some of my peoples however just LOVE to give tangible objects, so I thought I’d humor them by doing two things… 1.) Blogging about it, because its fun. 2.) Creating an Amazon wish list, because hey, if Instagram hoes can have one, why can’t I?

I’m not whoring myself out or anything but if a mofo wants to buy a another mofo with two jobs some shit he doesn’t really NEED,  who am I to be ungrateful?

Anyway, the link will be at the end of this entry. As for now,

“Cream-colored ponies and crisp apple strudels
Doorbells and sleigh bells
And schnitzel with noodles
Wild geese that fly with the moon on their wings
These are a few of my favorite things”

BRUH… Here are 10 items that I wouldn’t want you to buy but if you wanted to it would totally make me smile.

  1. Yes, I’m turning 38. Yes, I collect Transformers as a hobby. I also enjoy posing them in fight scenes and taking pictures of them. The Generations Combiner Wars and Titans Return are a total throwback to what I grew up on. Love the slideshow effect! These are the actual ones I want the most.

    This slideshow requires JavaScript.

  2. I prefer Frontier, United or Southwest Airlines but I totally won’t complain about any gift card to any other airline that is not Spirit, Allegiant (I fly free there, thanks to the BFF) or Malaysian Airlines.Southwest
  3. WWE Titles. I want to buy the Cruiserweight title when I hit 205 pounds for myself… I recently stopped myself however from picking up the Intercontinental title, which is a total bucket list item, like FOR LIFE. I legit always wanted this belt. Shawn Michaels wore this belt. I NEED this, eventually.inter
  4. I need a second PS4 controller.
  5. Johnnie
    5. My brand of Scotch!
  6. Funko Pop!– Disney, Marvel, DC, Star Wars, Harry Potter, Pop Culture… dude, I only have 5 so far: Darkwing Duck, Launchpad, BoJack Horseman, Lisa Turtle and Erin Gilbert… that’s it. You probably wouldn’t go wrong with duplicates.funko
  7. NBA Jerseys, size XXL! I want that black and red Pippen Bulls jersey. The Orlando Shaq jersey and a Ray Allen OR Kevin Durant Sonics jersey would also be dope. I also wouldn’t turn away a Purple Kobe jersey or a Larry Johnson Hornets joint.
  8. I like sandals. Adidas, Nike, Puma… I also like sneakers, but not as much as sandals. Either way, I wear size 11.5 in sandals and 12 in shoes, sometimes. Oh hell, I’ll take gift cards to Finish Line or Foot Locker.
  9. Amazon gift cards. I have a shopping problem. Help me feed my habit.
  10. Pay a bill, please. billI have bills like everyone else. You REALLY want to get gully for me, pay my Sprint bill, my car note and my god awfully high insurance payment. Floyd Mayweather, if you’re reading this brotha, could you pay my rent for a month?

I didn’t say this list would be reasonable, affordable or modest. It was, however fun to put together. Seriously, I’m not a materialistic cat so don’t take this shit to heart. I’m just having fun with you.

A simple happy birthday text would be just as awesome.

Again though…  who am I to say no? Here’s that Amazon wish list. Disappointed that Amazon doesn’t sell whiskey, though.

See you on the road to 39! (100 pounds lost as well; 7 pounds away!)

**My Favorite Things Lyrics by Oscar Hammerstein/Richard Rodgers. Performed most famously by Julie Andrews




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